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117 Classy Gentlemen
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| Take that, Badger board! |
Goldy came tearing through Lot 37 on his segway, and when he
saw the board with the "W" on it, he locked up the brakes and looked
at us, all Gopher fans, in disbelief. He hopped off the scooter and tried to
scrub the "W" off the board with his tail. After a few unsuccessful
minutes, he defiantly flipped the board over to our applause, then hopped back
on his scooter and was on his way, like a Badger-hating Superman disappearing
into the horizon.
The point of this story? No. 1 - it's funny. No. 2 -
rivalries matter in all sports, but they're even more special in college
football. Trophies are exchanged. Fan bases and entire states wage endless wars
of words over who's better, then both sides refute fact and add some new
context to paint their program in a better light. For example, if your rival
has dominated you of late, you just remind them you've won seven national
championships to their zero. It doesn't matter if they've had the upper hand
for the last decade or if all seven titles happened decades before you were
born. College football rivalries turn rational people into irrational defenders
of pride and stature, and that's a huge reason why they're so great. We're all
right, and we're all acting out of love and devotion.
So what do we actually think will happen where it counts -
on the field and on the scoreboard - Saturday? The picks get a little more
interesting this week with some optimistic selections, but it isn't a wash for
the Gophers this week. Will the optimistic be rewarded? Will the sobering
realists be left validated, but unhappy? We'll know in roughly 20 hours. Let's
get to the picks. Hey! Curly is joining the fun this week!
Rap 3-0
Big Party 3-0
Flony 3-0
Brooks Magsh 3-0
Melissa Magsh 2-0
Butler 2-0
Kellen 2-0
Gopher Bandanna Guy 1-0
Magsh 2-1
Bruiser 2-1
Higgy 2-1
Curly 0-0
CLASSY PREDICTIONS
NO. 17 WISCONSIN AT NO. 23 MINNESOTA
NOV. 23, 2013 - 2:30 P.M. - TCF BANK STADIUM
NO. 17 WISCONSIN AT NO. 23 MINNESOTA
NOV. 23, 2013 - 2:30 P.M. - TCF BANK STADIUM
RAP3-0, 1 OVERALL WIN
MINNESOTA 41, WISCONSIN 37
This match-up scares me. There is nothing that can shake my Minnesota football optimism like the three perennial games versus the cheese-eaters (NFL included). Because of this I will forget the statistics and numbers. The numbers don't usually amount to much in rivalry games. Anything can happen, and it's with the "why not us, why not now" mentality that I approach this prediction.
The great Minnesota sports icon, Herb Brooks said it best:
Great moments... are born from great opportunity. And that's what you have
here, tonight, boys. That's what you've earned here tonight. One game. If we
played 'em ten times, they might win nine. But not this game. Not tonight.
Tonight, we run with them. Tonight, we stay with them. And we shut them
down because we can! Tonight, WE are the greatest Big Ten
football team in the world. You were born to be football players.
Every one of you. And you were meant to be here tonight. This is your time.
Their time is done. It's over. I'm sick and tired of hearing about what a
great football team the Badgers have. Screw 'em. This is your time.
Now go out there and take it.
I'll see you all at the 50 yd line after the game.
Ski-U-Mah! And the weekly Dale Rapovich pick: "Minnesota 24, Wisconsin 21.
The cold weather is going to keep the high-scoring Badgers at bay."
BIG PARTY3-0, 1 OVERALL WIN
MINNESOTA 31, WISCONSIN 30
That’s right, I’m going with a 1 point victory for the Gophers. The Badgers will get their yards on the ground, with Gordon and White easily topping 100 yards in this game. However, I predict that the Gophers will strike first and be up 10-0 in the 1st quarter behind a couple long, balanced drives. This will convince the Badger coaching staff to look to their passing game a little earlier than they’d want to, which would play to the Gophers strength (pass defense > power run defense). Cobb goes for 140, Jones has a coming out party at WR in extended action, Mankato Jesus proves he made the right choice of college, bend but don’t break defense holds the Badgers to 4 FG attempts, and the Gophers never trail in this one.
FLONY3-0
MINNESOTA 33, WISCONSIN 31
The Gophers get their best home-field advantage in the history of TCF Bank Stadium and shock the Badgers thanks to a special teams turnover that leads to great field position and a big defensive performance that stymies the Badgers to a mere 220 yards on the ground. (This was dictated to Higgy while Flony was elbow-deep in the creation of the bacon-thatched meat Axe. Let's see a Badger try to run across the field and take that axe from our sidelines. We dare you.)
BROOKS MAGSH3-0
MINNESOTA 20, WISCONSIN 19
Yep, using regular numbers now. Big whoop. Wanna fight about it? For my analysis I’d like to quote Mrs. Finkle from the classic piece of cinema, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. Feel free to replace Dan Marino with Wisconsin Badgers.
“Dan
Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie, son?”
MELISSA MAGSH2-0
MINNESOTA 38, WISCONSIN 0
The Badgers make me want to vomit all over myself. Yep, just vomited all over myself.
BUTLER
2-0
MINNESOTA 34, WISCONSIN 31
After a low scoring first half, both teams score 3 TD's in the second half with the Gophers tying the game on a Maxx Williams TD. Wisconsin kicks a field goal on the opening possession of OT but David Cobb busts a 15-yard TD run on 3rd and short to win The Axe in dramatic fashion.
KELLEN2-0
MINNESOTA 17, WISCONSIN 14
In a defensive struggle, the Gophers hold off a furious Wisconsin rally at the end with huge sacks in the final minute by Ra'Shede Hageman and Aaron Hill.
GOPHER BANDANNA GUY1-0, 1 OVERALL WIN
WISCONSIN 33, MINNESOTA 17
Fellow Gopher fans and Classy Gentlemen everywhere, it is with great regret that I make this rather pessimistic prediction. But before I get into that, let me tell you that there is no one, NO ONE who hates the Wisconsin Badgers more than me. I’ve lived in Wisconsin nearly all my life (aside from 4 wonderful years on the U of M campus, and a childhood year Down Under), and have suffered miserably under a wave of unprecedented Badger arrogance and for 2 decades. I’ve travelled into the Heart of Darkness more times than I care to share, braving the savage rubes of Camp Randall and the sterile glass-and-cinder block multipurpose space of the Kohl Center. I’ve had hot cocoa dumped on me, been taunted and booed with unspeakable vulgarities, had a State Trooper confiscate my mini-inflatable axe, and been dragged off the Barry Alvarez statue after trying to pose for a pic sending a haymaker ‘ol Barry’s way. Each trip has only served to harden my resolve and intensify my hatred. If I could somehow guarantee no deaths or casualties, I would burn the entire campus and surrounding area to the ground, and turn it into a massive landfill that accepts waste only from Minnesota, and turn the lakes into a massive series of septic tanks. All displaced residents would be forced to move to Iowa.
That said, I sadly do
not think we are quite ready to reclaim the Axe this year. Wisconsin’s
run game is simply too powerful for us to slow enough to gain the upper hand,
and their rush defense is good enough to keep us from doing what we like
best. And I fear we will commit to stopping the run so much, that we will
become highly susceptible to Stave play-action passing, and yield too many big
plays via the air. On offense, we will struggle to run the ball as we
have in previous weeks, facing what is probably the best front 7 we have seen
all season. Things will look much like the Iowa game (which we have
learned from), but Wisconsin is more talented than the Squawk-eyes. 2nd half
we will be forced to throw more than the Gophers are designed to do, and we’ll
make some nice plays against a mediocre secondary, but the Full Nelson will be
forced into some bad throws and at least 1 or 2 turnovers that ultimately kill
any chance at a comeback. And the loss of Derrick Engel to injury doesn’t
help matters either. David Cobb never gets a chance to get things
rolling, as we get down early, and Limegrover starts to force the pass.
Doom and gloom, I know. And I apologize. If it is any consolation,
I believe we actually have a much better chance against the Spartans on the
road next week.
MAGSH2-1
WISCONSIN 31, MINNESOTA 24
I know, I know. It’s sacrilege in this space to choose the Gophers to lose, and I don’t feel good doing it. But let’s be honest. If the Gophers keep this game close, once the heartbreak of losing wears off we’ll probably still feel pretty good about hanging with a Badgers team that is an officiating blunder away from being in the BCS conversation. The good news is, I’ve been wrong three times before in my life. This could be the fourth.
BRUISER2-1
WISCONSIN 31, MINNESOTA 17
As much as I’ve tried to rationalize it over the last 12 days, I just can’t bring myself to pick the good guys in this one. Of course, I’m hoping Claeys and company will prove me wrong tomorrow. The BADgers are doing two things really well right now – running the football and playing defense – that are basically a recipe for success on a cold, windy day. This will be one of those games that “feels closer” than the two touchdown difference, but the BADger rushing attack will wear down the Gophers in the second half and keep this one out of reach. Nelson will have a respectable day with about 200 yards passing and a touchdown toss to Maxx “Double X” Williams, but David Cobb and the Gopher rushing attack fail to break any big, game-changing plays. The Classy Gentlemen will brave the wind chill in Lot 37 while enjoying deep fried turkey with ALL THE SIDES and will look forward to a time (beginning in 2014 or 2015, in this picker’s opinion) when Paul Bunyan’s Axe will spend much more time in the Twin Cities.
HIGGY2-1
WISCONSIN 34, MINNESOTA 23
There is both logic behind my disappointing pick, and some devious mischief at work. The last time our favorite squad hosted a nationally-ranked foe wearing red and white, I picked us to lose 34-23. I got the score right but the result wrong, as our Gophers handled Nebraska en route to a 34-23 victory. I'm hoping the same cosmic forces are at work this weekend, so I'm going to keep things exactly the same and reveal my superstition. For the record, we were also wearing the Classy outfits that day so, you guessed it, they'll be back supplemented by warmer layers for Saturday's Border Battle.
I'm hoping Saturday's another great game but, like when I
picked this score against Nebraska, I fear what will happen up front. The
Badgers line will likely pave the way for a big day for the backs. I'm
predicting White to have the bigger day with 160-plus and three scores.
Minnesota is able to move the ball through the air better than anticipated, but
settles for field goals too many times in the red zone to result in any real
drama in the final 10 minutes. Phil hits Maxx for a score and runs one in
himself, but unfortunately the Gophers' free agent pickup from NC State nails a
trio of short field goals and misses one from 40-45.
Things get broken open in the third quarter when Wisconsin
does one of its patented quick TD drive-turnover-quick TD drive runs to turn a
close game into another sad day for us. However, the Classy Gentlemen fill
themselves on deep fried turkey and all the trimmings and enough alcohol to put
the tiny town from Footloose completely underwater, and we immediately start
talking ourselves into how we can beat Michigan state.
CURLY0-0
MINNESOTA 21, WISCONSIN 17
Both teams barely outscore the thermometer, and the average number of hot totties consumed by each Classy Gentleman, in a game dominated by the ground games. The Gophers get a big touchdown from their defense in the second half and win in a close score mimicking the legendary Ice Bowl, this time coming out against the state of Wisconsin.
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